i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
