A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
