OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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