Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
