I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
