Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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