so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
