The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
