who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
