why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
