yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
