why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
