Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We left the knife in your bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
