Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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