no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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