Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize