Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
