She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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