After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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