she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My pussy is not your playground.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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