I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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