My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
