You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
