It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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