so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
