I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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