i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
