I look better un-naked...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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