Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
