he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
