So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize