Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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