lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize