I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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