you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
