mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
