Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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