I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize