I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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