sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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