were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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