i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
