so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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