I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
