So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
