I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just blew my weed a kiss
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
