My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
