god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
