Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize