So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize