what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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