I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
