well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
