I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Drunk is not a location!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
