yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
