Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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