Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
