I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize