just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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