This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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